Dwarf's Penis Stuck to Vacuum Cleaner
Ok. I was planning on discussing London's own Big Ben going under the knife last week but a news story was brought to my attention that simply must be covered in this forum. At an arts festival in Edinburgh, Australia the other day, a dwarf entertainer had to be taken to the emergency room after his penis became stuck to a vacuum cleaner in the course of his act. The climax of Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf's routine "was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus." As reported in the Daily Telegraph, "the attachment broke before the performance and Mr. Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue." The dwarf then joined the attachment to his organ while the glue was still wet, forming a "solid attachment."
How incredibly screwed up is this story? Incredibly screwed up. It is even more incredibly screwed up when we consider the fact that this whole scenario is entirely the United Kingdom's fault. Pish posh? I'm afraid not. First, lets consider our protagonist, Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, a "little person" if you will. It seems that Saxons in England during the Middle Ages were the first to exploit little people as a form of entertainment, dressing them in jester costumes and forcing them to perform alongside professional ers as early as the 6th Century A.D. Next, lets discuss the fact that this sordid "fringe festival" took place in Australia, established as a penal colony in 1788 by Great Britain and populated from that point forward with the worst types of people, people unsuitable for incarceration on the British Isles. Now lets remember that the electric vacuum was invented by H.C. Booth in 1901, nowhere else but in London, England. Modern apoxy was also invented and patented in Great Britain around 1750. Finally, the attention that this story has found amongst the mainstream media can be blamed on nothing else but people's desire for sensationalist tabloid journalism. As we discussed yesterday, this whole idea was invented by the British Aristocracy as a means of controlling the larger population.
So dear reader, based on the facts I have presented I ask you not only to entertain the idea that this entire situation came about as a result of British practices throughout the ages, but also if you can ethically deny Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf the $8,350 he is owed by the United Kingdom. I think not.
If you want yours then visit our website at www.britishreparations.org and sign the petition to get paid! And make sure to pick up a copy of The Evil Empire: 101 Ways That England Ruined The World, in bookstores and online. Visit www.evilempirebook.com for a sneak preview, press and enhanced features.
About The International Coalition for British Reparations
The International Coalition for British Reparations (ICBR) is a think tank of British foreign policy headquartered in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the city where America's split with Britain began in 1776. Founded on July 4, 2006, we have members all over the world.
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