Letter To The ICBR: Re: For The Second Edition
Dear Mr. Grasse
Fantastic book! As an American ex-pat (expatriate but not ex-patriot) for the last 21 years (long story) I've been wanting to write something similar, to harpoon the all-pervasive British cultural arrogance! You absolutely have it dead right that 1) the British have never gotten over 1776, and 2) the respect they show the royal family is actually worship.
Here are a few suggestions for the next edition:
They believe everything British is the pinnacle of mankind's achievement.
They take credit for everything good in the world and blame America for everything bad.
When Britons are involved in a disaster, any non-Britons involved are only mentioned as an afterthought.
They honestly believe that they brought civilization to India.
They vilify Wallis Simpson when it was Their Royal who gave the country the bird.
The BBC is the biggest mouthpiece for anti-American propaganda in the world. Despite this, they constantly crow about being "unbiased". This is done with a straight face.
They think cricket is better than baseball, even though the games last five days and frequently end in a tie.
They think soccer is better than football and think wasting 90 minutes of your life watching a 0 - 0 game is exciting. (It's obvious why TV coverage is a thinly-veiled excuse for binge drinking!)
Britain is the mother country of sports violence.
They over-indulge in alcohol as a way of forgetting the class system.
They truly believe that they are the guardians of civilization.
They make great pains not to offend Muslims, Jews, the Irish, Africans, Indians, but relish in offending Americans.
They think they still own the English language (with the Oxford English Dictionary as the highest authority) and any variation from British English is a corruption of the language.
They are secretly dismayed over their loss of empire and direct their ire at the country that has taken over from them as world leader, who they secretly blame for their current low standing.
They are obsessed with American celebrities yet slam the Americans for being obsessed with celebrities.
They admire anyone or any group that "stands up to America", including Iran, North Korea, and most terrorist groups.
They despise Hitler for his conquests but deify Queen Victoria for the same reason.
They constantly crow about being a democracy, but when there is a change of government, the handover is done in a secret ceremony in front of the monarch - no commoners or cameras allowed.
They think each and every Briton is a marvelous and unique individual but see the rest of the world in broad stereotypes. (corollary: The British are generally ignorant about the rest of the world but slam the rest of the world (particularly America) for not knowing Britain in minute detail. Case in point-the post office nearest to where I work- London- has three clocks, one of which has a sign "United States". )
Best of luck,
Martin
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